before all Saints Day
just got back from the cemetery. nanay died six years ago from colon cancer. everyone in the family has moved on probably except my tatay. but last night, as i was trying to get to sleep, i suddenly remember nanay, and how she was the most hardworking person i’ve ever seen.
she worked as a public school teacher for almost two decades, before she decided to take up library science at UP and be a full-time librarian at a private school in Novaliches. i would remember being in fifth-grade and waiting at the school gate since 730 pm for nanay to pick me up. there were a couple of times when i was the last pupil still waiting for his parent in school, to the point that the principal and her staff was already leaving (they were usually the last school officials to leave). i was so scared during these times i almost wet my shorts, but beyond it i knew nanay was getting late either because of traffic or because of her work.
funny, when she was still alive, i frequently had dreams where the story usually went like a telenovela - my role was a lost child, or one of the dirty kids roaming the streets but in my mind i knew i had a home but couldnt remember how to get there. and then i saw nanay and i would call her name, and approach her but she would just give me a blank stare or would not hear my calls, basically got the impression that she didn’t know me.
and then i would wake up, and see her busy at home either with laundry or cooking our lunch. and i would wake up feeling relieved that it was just a dream.
and then this morning, my tatay and I were praying the rosary over her grave. later on, we took out the flowers my tatay bought and plant each one around nanay’s grave. i couldn’t feel anything. probably coz i know she’s already in heaven, and while reciting the mysteries robotically, in my mind, there was only one thing i was asking to the Lord, that he continue to take care of my nanay in his Kingdom.
i admit, im not a practicing Catholic. i go to Mass irregularly, only when i feel like it, but i do know that there is an afterlife, and no matter how sinful you were, God knows you’re not really bad. and since God is love, He has already forgiven you even before you ask for forgiveness.
nanay was not perfect, she was human. she had her weaknesses, but all i could remember was her strength. nothing in this world can make me do her job as a parent, i can’t think right now of trying to care for five children since i even can’t take care of myself.
but while i was looking at her grave, i really couldn’t feel anything. miss her of course, but i know the grave just holds the bones and the other remains, but the spirit is already up there.
ive realized that as the years go by, you become less and less attached to the cemetery. the sense of pangungulila is still there, but you have moved on and have embraced the fact that when you’re talking of a departed relative, you look up, not think of the remains six feet under.
but i do believe that i still have to visit her there at least once a year, in case she comes down and visit her remains on earth.
these past years, death has become familiar, somewhat closer. aside from nanay, i remember people ive known and spoken with that have died. good thing they lived their life fully for us who remain behind to remember them as if they were still living.
going back to my thoughts last night, i wondered what if my mother never died. then she could have been at my graduation day, in the picture beside me and tatay. i could have given her my first paycheck, though small, and could have given her a birthday card for the first time. for a few seconds, bigla akong nagtampo kay Lord.
but maybe that’s just faith. i trust that the Lord has bigger plans for me and my family, the reason she took away the one woman we depend upon. nanay represented home, and after she’s gone, there had never been a home. there was still a family, we still love each other, but the person who had been uniting us is not there anymore. and we become our own platoon trying to coexist with each other.
but again, the Lord might have a different plan.
